Around the Corner

I never visited a funeral home before last Saturday. I really had no idea what everything looks like. Those of you that were at the viewing and funeral for Kira will remember the funeral directors, Jeff and Debbie Naugle. They are longtime friends of ours, dating back to eleven years ago. They also frequently stay here with us at Olde Homestead Suites. About four months before Kira died we visited them. Our purpose was to check out the "creepy house" they had on some property on which they were planning to build a new funeral home. The house was going to be demolished and Merlin wanted some lumber out of it. So we toured the "creepy house" with them. The girls loved it and both found some treasures to bring home. A few weeks later Merlin and Barry went and ripped out a bit of lumber which is being turned into flooring. Last Saturday they invited us to come tour the new funeral home. I fought with God on the way there. I wanted to go back to how life was before. I didn't want to know the pain of a funeral home, I didn't want to drive on those roads without Kira, I didn't want to even go past the restaurant where we had eaten supper that night. I struggled with the lonely feeling...the kind where I drive down the road looking at people's faces wondering if they know what pain is like or if it's just me. I felt angry at the fact that what should be three little girls riding our van was only two visible ones. So we drive into the lane. The remnants of the "creepy house" are now buried under the parking lot. Jeff and Debbie meet us as we enter. I am still feeling overwhelmed and angry. As we go down the hallway and around the corner I stopped short. There on the wall is a beautiful, large picture of the little girl I am missing so badly today. My anger melts to tears as I realize the care and love of the people walking beside me. I am not alone; others feel this pain too. They too want to remember her, to honor her, to make her live on in people's hearts. On the bottom of the picture are words to this extent: Kira Mary Yutzy; our children's room is dedicated in her honor. The next doorway past this picture is a playroom for children. My mind continues to race as I realize again the gift they gave us in caring for Kira after she died. I will remain grateful the rest of my life. God again showed me his everlasting love for me through them. Things like this don't just happen because others make them happen. Things like this come out of a pure love for God. To feel God's love through other people is a powerful effect of a Christian's life.

That first night when we went out for supper with Jeff and Debbie holds one of those memories I won't forget. I was busy with Anna and Merlin was busy with Marlea so Jeff was holding Kira. I don't remember that she had much to say to him or he to her but the picture remains imbedded in my mind. I often think of it when I think of them caring for Kira after she died. It causes me to realize that someday everything will be perfect again.

May the love of God grow more and more in our hearts.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Third Dress

I have been sewing. These dresses I made took way too much time and were too much work. As usual - I got carried away and made too many mistakes; ripped open too many seams, and pulled the thread out of the needle too many times. I found myself quite frustrated at times. Many interruptions and lots of help that I didn't request (once I caught Anna headed toward her dress with scissors.) My dream of finishing with them in one day proved too lofty a goal for me and instead turned into weeks. Amid all these feelings I am stifling the urge to make a third one. I wish so badly there would be someone to wear it. She would look so cute in it....my mind wanders trying to imagine what she would look like by now - how tall she would be - how she would act. Would her hair still be brown or would they be more reddish by now? How much smaller would her dress be than Marlea's? Marlea always dances and prances around-would Kira dance and prance with her? My mind is cut off by the pain introduced by these thoughts. It feels the pain of reality - the pain of never knowing these things - the pain of it only being imaginations. I turn back to reality and my sewing problems don't seem so big any longer. It really didn't even take that long to make two dresses. I didn't mind picking out those seams; in fact it would have been nice to pick out seams on a third dress. I would have enjoyed entertaining a third little girl while I tried to "sew." I would have liked to solve the fights that would have been my "interruptions" in the other life. The joy of sewing the third dress will remain untouchable - only a dream. The joy that comes from a happy little girl in a new dress will never be mine to experience. But, I will treasure the two that I have to sew...my pain will not steal my joy.

By our door on the wall is the last dress I sewed for Kira. It was the first dress I sewed with my new serger. She was extremely happy with it and Marlea was very jealous. After all Kira was the only one that had a black dress like mommy. She only wore it two or three times...it will remain a treasure to me.

Please pray that we could stay healthy physically - we haven't been. Also intercede that emotionally we can be positive and joyful.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna